Never His
by His Lopsided Grin
Summary: She smiled. But that smile wasn't for him. She laughed. But that laugh wasn't because of him. Ruka was never hers. But she was always his... until...? [One-shot. Mostly Ruka and his pain.]


**Okay! This is my first story in Gakuen Alice! X)**

**One-shot. **

* * *

_**Never His**_

There from a distance, he could see the pretty brunette.

She's a new student of the Alice Academy. She was wearing a white one-piece dress. It's cut above her knees and it is a little wrinkled from her moving around. Her skin was white and flawless as the teeth she showed in a grin. She was most likely his age; about twelve. Her wavy, coffee brown hair dropped on her shoulders naturally. The facial features were practically ordinary yet there's something special behind it.

Ruka Nogi was a timid blond boy who seeks nobody's attention. But he has to be invisible then.

He was taller than the kids his age. But not muscular. He's smart. But not clever enough to handle people. He's hanging out with the most cold-hearted and ruthless guy in school… But anyone could still easily get his sympathy and could also punch his guts out.

He also has this face that can make anybody think he is a girl. But everyone… still finds it appealing.

Ruka's gray eyes chased after the cute girl who was walking down the halls. Her beauty was somehow different. No matter what she does, she still looks magnificent effortlessly. Ruka pushed his hands in his pockets, leaning on his locker, looking so dreamily.

"What are you staring at Ruka?" A husky voice touched his ears.

Ruka didn't look to see who called him. "I'm actually staring at a 'who' not a 'what'." He said, continuing his "beautiful girl" sighting.

Natsume Hyuuga was right next to him, looking rather bored. He was a foot taller than Ruka and was very strong than any average kid. He rarely showed signs of humor and light but he sure likes playing the brutal and sarcastic card.

He gazed at the direction of where his best friend is staring and made a face. "She isn't worth it, Ruka. She's probably an idiot."

"She's a happy idiot. So, she's one cute ignoramus." Ruka said, not even knowing what he was saying.

Natsume shook his head disgusted. "She's not going to last forever."

Ruka didn't care at that moment. He was gazing at her, then before he knew it… She was walking to him like a shinning star. She smiled her dimpled smile. Ruka felt his mouth peeling a toothy grin for her.

"Hey!" She called. Ruka's tongue was a little tied but when he was ready to respond, he realized her greeting was meant for someone else.

"Hotaru!" She squealed, giddily. She was starting to sprint towards a girl at the end of the hallway. Ruka knew that girl. She was the smartest one in class and she already has bright future ahead of her after inventing so many, useful impossible things.

Hotaru Imai's purple eyes were vacant. Her face is empty like she isn't human at all.

Somehow, it went too quick.

Natsume stuck his foot out, apparently irritated by the girl's bliss. He was able to trip her. She was startled and has squeaked a little from her fall.

Actually. There was no fall at all.

Ruka caught her as if it's part of his system to. She looked up to him with those addictive hazel eyes. He swallowed a little. He didn't think he'd be so close to a person he never met before.

He held her wrists securely. It was so warm and there was thousands of electricity jolting in his veins. What kind of feelings is he getting himself into?

"Err… Are you o-okay?" Ruka was stuttering and he cursed inside for being a fool. She tilted her head and smiled. "Yeah! I'm fine! Thank you!"

Ruka flashed a smile back as he helped her stand. "I'm… Ruka. Ruka Nogi." He said, after working the nerves to speak.

"Well, I'm Mikan," she said. "Mikan Sakura."

"Mikan." It felt really nice to say her name, thought Ruka. There was a clearing of throat and Ruka found himself wanting to glare at Natsume. It was strange. He never did that to him.

Natsume gazed at Mikan solemnly. "You should watch where you're going."

"Oh… um, I-I'm sorry." She said, hanging her head sheepishly.

"And you shouldn't wear something like that to school," Natsume said coldly, "because people can see your polka-dotted panty."

Mikan's cheeks flushed into scarlet red. She was no longer happy or embarrassed. She was furious.

"Why… Y-You pervert!"

"You idiot," Natsume growled. "I wouldn't have seen it if you didn't trip."

"But I-"

"Mikan!"

The brunette peered over her shoulder and her face smoothened swiftly at the sight of Hotaru. "I'm coming!" Then, she sharply turned to snap at Natsume which amuses Ruka- no one could ever play with two emotions at the same time. "I'll forgive you this time! ...But this time _only_!"

She left before Ruka's companion could give a snarky comeback.

"Come on, Ruka," Natsume said crossly after muttering curses. He led Ruka to the opposite direction, escaping Mikan's close presence. Ruka glanced and caught her sneaking a glance too.

… But it wasn't him she was looking at.

* * *

"Ruka-pyon!" Mikan has attacked him with a bear hug as he permitted her in his home.

It has been three months since they first met and they have become close buddies instantly. It was always this sunny afternoon where they get together as friends. Just friends.

Mikan's jeans were worn-out and her plain, blue t-shirt was decorated from the paint the two have been doing for their Art class. Ruka's expensive clothes (that were bought from a really nice French store) were ruined in a liquid substance too. But he didn't care.

They were settling on the couch. He was sitting close by her- too near that he could smell a strawberry scent wafting in her hair. "That was fun!" She said in delight, placing her soaked paint brush down on the coffee table. "Painting can really get your feelings out, doesn't it?"

"Yeah… it does…" Ruka agreed enthusiastically. He beamed at their masterpiece. It wasn't a bad abstract painting. They'd get an A+. Well, okay… maybe a B.

She was laughing with him then was suddenly quiet. "My parents love to paint… If they were alive, I'm sure they'd be…"

Ruka watched the downfall of her happiness. Mikan would occasionally insert a memory of her parents in everything they do. She was just devastated. Ruka understood that feeling of losing someone. His mom was always looking out on him. Even if she's in her grave.

He slowly took her hand and funny how he was the one who flinched from the contact. It was just so soft. He caressed her tiny hand and dipped it on a puddle of mixed-water colors.

"It's alright, Mikan," He said as he lifted her colorful hand again. "I'm sure they're watching you now. And they have to be admiring this painting you made…"

He imprinted a hand on their painting. Mikan's hand.

"You mean _our_ masterpiece."

He liked that about her. She never calls herself "I" or "me". She smiled which is why Ruka felt a surge of pride and joy. He made Mikan smile. He made her feel better.

"Ruka, I-"

"What are you two doing?" Ruka has entirely forgotten about his other best friend who was heated from being ignored. He looked up to a pair of ruby-like eyes. Those eyes were murderous as if they caught Ruka doing a petty crime.

"We're doing our project!" Mikan said without missing a beat of life. "Want to paint with us?"

"No." Natsume rejected almost immediately.

"Huh? Why?" She pouted. _How cute, _Ruka thought. "Sure, it's only a pair project but it'd be nice to have someone else to-"

"Shut up and do your thing, dummy." He interrupted thickly and sauntered towards the main door. "I'm heading home now."

"Okay…" Ruka said in a small voice, knowing Natsume was mad at him for spending more time with Mikan.

He observed how Mikan's eyes suddenly lit like a tiny fire in one candlestick.

"Hey, you'd be in Hotaru's birthday party tomorrow, right?" She asked ardently. Natsume was halfway out the door. He did not meet her gleaming hazel eyes but he did answer. "Whatever." He shut the door and went off like a shadow.

"Bye, Natsume!" She said, waving like he was still there.

She was smiling- no, she was grinning.

… But it wasn't for him anymore.

* * *

From where he was standing, he could see how pale she grown.

Mikan was sick. There's no doubt about that. She was looking small and frail in her white hospital gown. She coughed between her sentences. She shuddered from the sheer coldness she's feeling. But despite all that, Mikan was still playing a lively role.

"How are you feeling, Mikan?" Ruka asked silently, tucking her inside the bed sheet of the hospital bed.

She'll be fine eventually. She has to be.

"I'm fine." Mikan replied hoarsely. Hotaru Imai shook her head in disbelief. She shambled closer to her best friend's side, saying emotionlessly, "Your fever is high. You should go to sleep."

"But… can't I do something?"

"Like what?" Her emotionless friend furrowed her brows.

"Laugh," Mikan said simply.

Hotaru's face shifted into a skeptical one. "Then, laugh."

"But there's nothing funny going on!" she protested. "How about you and Ruka dressed like clowns and recite terrible chicken jokes? It'd be nice and funny!"

While Hotaru remarked on how ridiculous her request is, Ruka thought for a brief minute. Her laughs were quite infectious and were also like thousands of tiny bells chiming. They're fifteen years old now- both freshmen and currently battling lots of teenage issues.

...And Ruka had Mikan completely memorized.

He knew that when she gets bored, she would stretch her arms high in the atmosphere. He knew all her favorite songs. He knew that she has a knack of making sock puppets. He knew she likes strawberries. He knew she likes all the bright colors. He knew her parents died in a car accident.

He knew… just about everything of her.

It's not like Ruka was stalking her (he isn't a creepy molester). He happened to spend most of his days with her. If Natsume isn't able to attend Ruka's problems, he would go and see Mikan. She's a professional when it comes to lifting someone's spirits.

Right now, she needs a taste of Ruka Nogi's medicine. He went to the bowl of fruits near her creaking bed and plucked one juicy-looking grape.

"Mikan, I bet I can catch this one with my mouth."

"Oh, really?" Her eyes were sparkling in interest. She can seriously be beautiful at anytime.

Hotaru looked apprehensively. "Nogi, you might choke…"

"Naw, I won't." If Mikan think dying is funny, Ruka would do a suicide attempt. He grasped on the small grape and rolled it between his thumb and forefinger, calculating the angle. Once he got his mind set, he threw it just high and long enough for him to part his lips and catch it.

Mikan clapped in her groaning bed.

She's enjoying the little entertainment he created. He was enjoying it too.

"Go, Ruka!" She laughed.

It has to be Ruka's fifth time to throw a grape in the fun-filling atmosphere. But he ended his lousy endeavor when Mikan blasted a fit of coughs.

Hotaru shook her head, ridiculed and looked over her fancy wristwatch. "It's time."

Ruka didn't want to go but he eventually murmured a long "Goodbye" message to Mikan and went to tag along the Ice Princess's footsteps.

The hallways of the hospital were rather eerie with the patients sneezing and the visitors' sniveling. Ruka's heart pounded at each step he takes. He's moving too far from Mikan- the farther he gets, the feeling was pulled down to the pit of his stomach.

He loves Mikan.

But does she love him back? Will he get his answer before she dies or something? Ruka shook his head. That only happened in dramatic movies.

His thoughts were pestering him like mosquitoes that he didn't see the purple eyes analyzing him.

"Do you like her?" she asked which sounds so indifferent coming from her.

"W-What?" His ears must have shaded into pink like his pet rabbit. Her eyes soon told him that he couldn't pretend. He pictured Hotaru insulting him and such because that is the kind of person she's born to be.

"If you love her," she said quietly. "Tell her."

Tell her? Ruka knew that Hotaru Imai is outrageously insane. But those long years of keeping silent was so… He started walking back before his consciousness knew it.

_I'm going to tell her. I'm going to tell her._

_I love you, Mikan._

_I always have._

_I want to make you smile and I want to keep you safe._

_I want to make you laugh and-_

When his feet settled in front of her door, he heard a pretty sweey giggling. It sounded like Mikan but this was lighter and more harmonious. He thought he was watching a movie or even better, remembering her pastimes with her best friend, Ruka.

"That's so cool, Natsume!"

… But her laugh isn't for him.

* * *

It was a breezy, winter evening. The stars were like pimples in the skies- popping out of nowhere and multiplying into great numbers. It was rather calm and peaceful in Ruka's gray eyes. There was only rustling of bushes and occasional passing of cars. Central Town was usually at a busy pace but…

He decided after eating a delicious meal in the Geeky Sister's Diner he would sit on the wooden bench and admire the moon. But instead, his head plummeted into the dimness. _Where did things go wrong, Mom?_

Soon, the gloom was killed by the illuminating young lady, meters away.

She was eighteen-years-old like him but she never did changed. Mikan still had her dimpled smile. Vivid hazel eyes that ranged from brown to gold. She never liked the cold which explained why she wore layers of sweaters. She looked like a fuzzy hamster. Not that she has big front teeth. Mind you, she has flawless features.

"Evening, Ruka-pyon!"

She still calls him that after all this time.

"Evening to you too, my dear Mikan," he greeted in the same manner.

"How are you? I haven't seen you since last weekend!" She began to open. As she sat next to him, he felt the temperature rising in his body. It always does when he meets her. He clasped his hands together, reassuring himself that he wouldn't faint.

"I'm fine... How are things with you and Natsume?" A part of him wanted to flip the bench over but the other part is dying to know.

She blushed. "Things are fine… You know, he's sweet…"

"Yeah…?"

"And can be annoying!" She said. Her face was still blooming red. "I don't understand how you and him could be best friends."

Ruka didn't understand as well. He resented Natsume ever since he started going out with Mikan Sakura- the girl who is supposed to be with him and still, he glued himself to that guy.

Ruka envied him so much because of that. He didn't have to spend all his time to get Mikan's attention. Why?

Because he got the looks…

He got the brains.

He got the life.

He got the girl.

Period. Nothing left to say. Mikan started to tell Ruka what it was like being with Natsume.

He genuinely _tried_ to listen. But he was a selfish human being. He can't help but wonder why her eyes seemed to sparkle each time she mentioned Natsume's name or why she thinks it's easy to endure his crankiness. Is it all thanks to Good Guy Ruka for sharing her details of Natsume?

When Mikan had troubles with Hyuuga, she would run towards Ruka and asked him for an advice and yeah... He would aid her... _as always_.

MIkan's smile grows as she continued her tales of him.

"That's what he told me! And oh, and…" She faltered and gazed at him. "Ruka… did you find somebody?"

Immediate silence. The snow was starting to fall. Ruka wished they could just count how many snowflakes were hitting the pavement.

"Nope, not yet…" he finally said, adjusting his red, knitted scarf to keep his eyes busy. Mikan pouted her cutest pout. Amazing that she could still look adorable at this age. "Wha_aa_t? Ruka, you have to find somebody!"

"I can't."

"What do you mean you 'can't'?"

"How's your part-time job, by the way? Is Hotaru still trying to get you to pay her debt?"

"Don't change the topic, Mister!" Mikan snapped. "Did you find somebody?"

He sighed. This isn't the first time Mikan has forced on a subject like this in their conversation.

"Yes…" Ruka said in defeat.

She tilted her head and her smile was faint. "Really? Does she know?"

"No…"

"Huh? Then tell her!"

"I can't." He said softly. "She's… She's so happy."

"Happy? What do you mean?"

Ruka averted her. He didn't want her to see the despair trapped in his eyes. He didn't want her to know that he's hurt each time he sees her with _him_. He was just so furious. Hadn't Mikan realized that he was in love with her in first sight? Didn't she realize that he had been siding up with her all this freaking time?!

"Ruka…?"

He was so going to choke all the tears out but… he enclosed his hand on hers. The touch is enough to say that he doesn't want to go on. Her hand was always so soft. And still so small.

For one moment, they were staring at each other, their hands locked together. Ruka always had this kind of imagination where they both might actually connect… He glimpsed at her pink lips. He never kissed a girl yet… _That's because I want Mikan to be my first…_ but...

"Hey, Mikan!"

"Natsume!" she said in tremendous glee, letting go of Ruka's grasp. Natsume materialized and even if he was wearing dull clothes, he was able to make anyone stop and stare. He looked at Ruka then at Mikan.

"Ruka."

"Nats," He faked a smile. Natsume has always knew Ruka's undeniable love for Mikan so it was always awkward. And wrong. If Ruka leaned closer to Mikan, she would turn away and it would also set fire in his and Natsume's friendship.

Natsume nodded and his awareness dripped on his girlfriend.

Mikan jumped off the bench like a ball of energy. "Ah, well, see ya, Ruka!" She said but before she trudged on the snow towards the arms of Natsume, she sharply turned to Ruka and grinned.

"I hope that you and the girl would work out!"

Ruka nodded and watched her kiss Natsume's lips tenderly. He slowly looked up at the sky, knowing his tears of frustration would burst any moment. He wanted her to at least kiss him or something…

But it would never be his.

* * *

The murmurs and mutters were killed as soon as she went through the doors. Then, there was the organ playing in the lulling atmosphere…

Her long, draping white gown was flowing and there were Sakura petals entangled on it. That dress reminded Ruka of how they first met. He would feel pain striking on his chest but he couldn't feel anything. The emptiness is all that consumed him. He felt her hand gripped anxiously on his arm.

He glanced at her.

Her eyes were too bright that even the white, flower-patterned veil couldn't hide it completely. "Ruka…"

"Shh," he whispered. "Everybody's looking. This is your day Mikan. You're finally getting married."

A smile etched on her lively face. She wasn't wearing any makeup which is good. Ruka liked to see her in her natural beauty. "Who would have thought you would be the one who would walk me down this aisle…" She laughed a little.

"I'm surprised too." He said, casting the grief down.

They were halfway through.

Natsume was in his tux, obviously looking good. He was sort of nervous like Mikan. Probably scared that she might say, "I don't" but the chances are slim.

His red, crimson eyes drilled in Ruka's… "Are you okay with this?" They seemed to ask him. "Is it alright if I marry the girl of your dreams?" Natsume may be a devil but he has softer sides than everyone thinks.

Mikan looked so beautiful in her wedding gown. Ruka could just cropped Natsume out and replaced him. Frankly, he wanted to scream all the love he has kept for Mikan. Everything he did just for her.

Every single-

"Thank you, Ruka." She said warmly. Her voice was as soft as the breeze howling outside. "You are always there for me. You took care of me when I was sick. You held me when I cried about my parents. You helped me understand Natsume better."

Her hand squeezed his which spontaneously brought so many memories of them both. "You are more than my friend. You're like family to me." She said those words that grew meaningful each step they take.

"Ruka… I'm so happy." She zipped her pretty hazel eyes close.

A tear sloped on her pink cherry cheeks. Ruka's heart battered his chest, requesting to fly out. They have made it in the altar. She looked at him expectantly. He hadn't let go of her hand yet. He could sense several people mumbling impatiently and the organ isn't going to last forever.

_Mikan..._

Her hand... It was always his. For him to hold. But to never have.

Ruka resisted the urge to wail his sorrow. Slowly, he let go of his life and watched her sway beside someone else.

_Mikan... I love you._

* * *

**This is the part where I type "The End" and where I also ask you readers to "review". So, go ahead and spill all your violent reactions and suggestions. Thank you for reading!**


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